Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
